Why You Always Attract The Wrong Guys

summary

So why do you attract bad relationships?  Sometimes it’s as simple as giving your heart, time and emotions to someone who’s in NO WAY deserving but more often it goes a bit deeper.

Here are the top 4 reasons I’m inclined to believe a great woman like you finds herself in this position over and over again.  (There’s absolutely no judgement. I'm recovering from a couple of these myself) 

We can’t do better until we know better.

Reason #1

You may be a NEED-EM’ WOMAN.

Need-em’ women subconsciously feel they need someone (often a man) to fill a particular void they don’t believe they can figure out or supply themselves.  It manifests as classic co-dependent behavior.  

While codependence looks different for every woman generally a Need-Em' woman feels she needs a man for one or more of these five things: Money, Sex, Validation/Support, Cure Deep Loneliness, or Love.

Need-em’ women often attract need-em’ men.

Together the need-em’s feed off of each other’s cancerous co-dependency which can often spiral into a terrifyingly bad relationship.

The Road To Recovery for a Need-Em’ Woman:

Recovery for the Need-Em’ woman is not an easy fix, it's a process.  One of self-discovery, forgiveness, and self-healing. (Often best worked out through professional counseling)  Finding a healthy relationship (co-dependence free) is possible, however it will first take identifying what her primary voids are, how they manifest, and working through how they originated.  Once again, professional counseling is recommended.

Reason #2

You May Have POOR EMOTIONAL CREDIT.

A woman with poor emotional credit is one who is always on a quest to be “approved” (especially with a guy she genuinely likes).  

This woman, though amazing in her own right, does not internally believe she is good enough.  She works to earn almost everything, from traditional accolades to a man’s affection.

Women with Poor Emotional Credit attract (what I call) the “Got it going on JERK”.  This is the guy who looks great on paper but doesn’t treat her well in relationships.

Subconsciously the woman with poor emotional credit feels the need to win over or earn her way into being enough. Getting him (the got it going on jerk) to desire, think about, and ultimately love her, aides in the feeling of significance.   

The Road To Recovery for a woman with Poor Emotional Credit:

If you resonate with this woman (which I totally did and sometimes still do by the way!) then recovery starts with admitting you haven’t always felt (or don’t currently feel) like you are enough.  It helps to identify where this belief originated, and once found declare it powerless over your future.

You will also benefit greatly from being kinder to yourself.  Which takes disrupting your negative internal dialogue and replacing it with something positive.  For me this was the simple phrase:

I AM ENOUGH

I wrote that phrase on the inside of my finger (with a sharpie) looked at and repeated it to myself every time I had a self debasing thought.  Which in the beginning was quite often.  Eventually my inner dialogue became friendlier and I no longer felt the need to consistently be, have, or achieve more.

Remembering you are enough keeps you out of the habit of trying to win over something or someone undeserving.

Reason #3

You May Be an INVISIBLE WOMAN.

Somewhere along the line an invisible woman was taught or came to believe that she isn't important and doesn't truly matter. 

This line of thinking leads her to put her own needs behind the needs of others.  Unfortunately this communicates to those around her that she is the superwoman that can solve everyone's problems … it also makes her a target to be taken advantage of.

The Invisible Woman finds herself consistently attracting narcissists.

A woman who thinks her needs are unimportant but feels it's noble and selfless to care for others will ultimately end up with a man that makes it ALL ABOUT HIM.

The Road To Recovery for an Invisible Woman:

The Invisible Woman’s journey towards healthy love is almost identical to that of a woman with poor emotional credit.  Starting with acknowledgement, followed by identifying the source (and rendering it powerless), then curving internal dialogue.

When working towards friendlier internal dialogue an Invisible Woman will want to stop her thoughts quite frequently to do an internal check.  Instead of writing “I am enough” somewhere visible she may instead write

WHAT ABOUT ME?

Or

TODAY I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT SOMEONE.

These phrases, (while initially making her feel selfish) will ultimately cause her to stop, question, and process whether she is placing the needs of someone else (particularly a man’s) ahead of her own.

If you identify with an Invisible woman, the idea of saying something like this to yourself multiple times a day probably turns knots in your stomach.  Let me encourage you; you cannot fill anyone’s cup when yours is empty.

Fill first.  Pour second.

Reason #4

You May Be a TIN WOMAN.

The tin woman is virtually impenetrable when it comes to her heart.  Her guard is so far up it can give Buckingham Palace a run for its money.

This "tin" nature is usually progressed with good reason though.  The Tin woman may have seen someone close to her badly hurt or she herself was once open and vulnerable only to get crushed.  Nonetheless she’s learned to depend on herself, because other than a small select group (which she never wants to burden) she believes others, without fail, will let her down.

The Tin woman consistently attracts emotionally unavailable men.  

It makes perfect sense why subconsciously a woman who never wants to become vulnerable ends up with a man who doesn’t want a relationship that gets too deep.

The Road To Recovery for a Tin Woman:

As a recovering Tin Woman myself, I can say recovery will take practicing vulnerability daily.  This does not mean you recklessly begin sharing all your deepest thoughts and secrets with just anyone.  

For a Tin Woman small wins with vulnerability are important.  

The process of opening yourself up to a select couple people (those who have earned the right to hear your story) will help you become more familiar and comfortable with being vulnerable in general.

Trust me your future husband will appreciate it.

 

Well that’s my take.  I hope it helped you!  

Which one of these ladies (if any) do you resonate with?  Tell me below.  

If you found this episode insightful it may be something you want to share, and I love it if you did!  If you haven’t already joined the TLM Dressing Room make sure you do!  There’s some great stuff on the horizon that you don’t want to miss.  As always thank you so much for allowing me to help you on this journey.  It’s my pleasure.

Healthy reflections & growth,

Tiye